Long time gone

Alright, I've been absent for a while, what with moving and all. Regardless, we have moved to DC, have a house we are moving into on the first, finally, and getting used to this world. Its strange to be right on the border of liberal (dc) and conservative (va), but nothing bad has happened thus far.

Really, I want to talk about my job right now. How lucky I am to have such a supportive network of coworkers. Jo and John never batted an eye when I explained the whole gender issue. When we had this conversation, I stated that I didn't want there to be any repercussions if they were put into an awkward position due to questions of gender. Until I start hormone therapy, I still kinda sound like a girl at times and have no facial hair ,so of course there might be some questions. But they have said over and over, you are who you are and we are fine with that. I am finally starting to believe them. When I got my promotion last week and Jo (yes, I work for the little women) cc'd me on the letter to corporate, she referred to me as "he", and while not a big deal, it really cemented the accepted they initially expressed. It is a great feeling.

I have found the center that I will be starting my "physical" transition with, the Whitman-Walker Clinic in DC. I have talked to several people who have said nothing but good things about it, and the research I have done supports those opinions.

I have also found that I have increased self confidence as a result of the support from friends, loved ones and coworkers. I've never been an outgoing person, but I am finally coming out of my shell...and it feels great. Thank you.

They're gone... I think...

Had surgery with Dr. Garramone. He said things went well. I won't know for a week. Finally feel like I am coming out of the anesthesia daze. Pain is minimal, vicodin soo, then off to sleep. More updates will follow.

I have to get something off my chest...

...that's right I will be headed to the Pittsburgh airport for my flight to Ft Lauderdale in 5 hrs. I am going to have FTM top surgery with Dr Charles Garramone in Sunrise, FL. I have such a mixed bag of emotions right now I can't even begin to explain. All I know is that I am the luckiest guy to have such strong support from my family and friends. Especially my wonderful wife. I will be more then happy to share my experience and post op pictures in a few weeks.

Later,

Liam

The Clothes That Bind

Liam wrote most of this I (Lain) will be putting in my two cents in.....Lime!  Okay not really I'll just italicize.

OK so what is this awful thing we refer to as binding. Binding is a torture device developed for ftm's to help pass as male by helping to hide the "female" chest. It can be done in a variety of ways depending on your chest size and financial situation.

Like I said earlier, and I think I can speak for the both of us when I say "Boobs Suck". Aside from the sexual gratification (that can still be had after chest surgery) I really find them to be a burden. It is the ultimate hint to gender and therefore they are aggitating. Binding is a way to get around that in the interim. I bind everyday and have only once been in public with a bra in the past 6 months, I hated it and covered them as best I could. 

If you are smaller chested (lucky guys) then you can opt for the simple sports bra or tight tee shirt layers to help hide your "female" chest.

Larger guys will have the option of a couple techniques. You can use an ace bandage wrapped tightly around the chest. This is very uncomfortable and unsafe because it hinders your breathing. I tried it once...did not work at all for me.
I tried it as well and there is nothing quite like sitting there, having a fastener spring off and having a boob fall out. The bandage also tends to slide down or bunch up...neither are fun.

I know duct taping the breast back towards your armpits is a technique used in the drag king world. Hurts but works for sure...however, I don't recommend for a long period of time and you will be hurting when removing the duct tape. There is a "wonderful" compression shirt that you can buy from http://www.underworks.com/ftm The reason we call it "wonderful" is because it does its job of flattening the chest so it appears male but it is not comfortable at all. While it has improved over the past couple years.

I remember the first time I attempted to put my compression tank on. I got stuck in it and ended up rolling around on the floor while Julie and I laughed hysterically. Pulling it on over my head by myself was not an option. After we stopped laughing Julie finally helped me yank it on. I was so excited to have a male appearing chest.

As some point and time we realized its much easier to pull it up over your hips then down over your head. Until recently, know that I have more upper strength I can pretty easily pull it over my head.

I did not believe him when he said to step into it a pull it up. I put it on over my head and was stuck with my arms straight up in the air (a la Barbie) and no one was home to help but the cats (thanks guys). I eventually got it off and started the stepping in procedure.   

OK so now that the binding is on and doing its job some other not so pleasant features arrive. Like the fact that this material is non breathable; so if it's 75 and sunny outside its like 95 to someone wearing binding. The material is also very irritating to your skin, especially if you are sweating like I am, so its more comfortable to wear a shirt under this heat trap. So now you are wearing 2 additional layers of clothing...so much fun!

I have never worn a shirt under the binding. The biggest design flaw in the earlier models of binding did not account for hips and were a bit too short causing them to roll up and cut off circulation. Now they have redesigned it so it doesn't roll up and it is much more "comfortable". No Regrets
.

Bottom line it is torture but absolutely necessary and I love this invention because it helps me appear the way I want to appear. Lucky for me I only have to wear my binding for 44 more days!! Sorry, Lain. Yeah, Yeah, sure.

I was telling my really good guy friend, Ryan, about this torture trap and he was very interested. He asked if he could try it some time. I knew it would be a hilarious experiment so I agreed. A few months ago he was at my apartment so I reminded him that he wanted to try this fun little activity. So he did...poor guy got stuck trying to put it on over his head and needed help. He said it was so tight and uncomfortable and he didn't even have a chest he was trying to smash in there. He said he didn't know how I could possibly wear such a thing.

I just recently found that they offer a compression swim suit which I am contemplating. There is nothing worse than wanting to swim, then realizing that you have nothing wear that won't cause everyone at the pool to stare and laugh. It's beyond the "Oh, I don't look good in a bathing suit", I can't even explain it. 

The self-esteem boost I feel we get from this is amazing. From a physical stand-point we both feel that we look much better without breasts, we are so awkward-looking with them, I realized this after glancing at some past pics. And from a more social standpoint, I know I feel more outgoing with my binding because I feel like I am who I should be and I feel much more confident. 

Breasts are the first thing people look for when they initially question gender. It's annoying, I've seen many a man with bigger boobs than I. Regardless, the physical pain is much better than the emotional pain of going though life with two breasts that feel like a constant reminder of a body that just doesn't fit right. 

Longer Introduction

Hi my name is Liam. Let me first say that I am not a good writer, like Lain, and I will most likely jump around a lot and have tons of grammar errors...hey I'm an accountant I know numbers.

I was born and raised in Youngstown, OH as Jenn. As a kid I was a major tomboy. As far back as I can remember I always wanted to do the things that the boys were doing. I had some really close female friends when I was young but I think that is because we didn't ever really do "girly" things. However, as I got older I wanted to hang with the guys. And I remember being extremely ticked off when the time finally came that I could no longer get away with running around the neighborhood shirtless. And the stress continued as I developed into a "women". Oh the torture of bras, skirts, girls locker rooms, the "monthly visitor", etc.

I hated school because I never knew who I was and never fit in anywhere. I wanted to dress like a guy, which eventually my mom gave up and let me do, I wanted to be a guy. But I wasn't and my guy friends didn't always want me around when they were being guys.

I had a couple of "boyfriends" during my school years, but none of those relationships passed a minor kiss or two. It was just to weird for me.

I started realizing my attraction to women sometime in late middle early high school years but just choose to ignore it and play the role I was suppose to play. I then went thru the steps of being a lesbian to being a butch lesbian.

My junior year I started dating my current wife. We grew up in the same church and have known each other our whole lives. We dated off and on for many years. And in June 2005 we had a commitment ceremony. It was as traditional as can be with her in a white dress and me in a tux. Wearing a tux was as awesome as I dreamed it would be!! I know Lain agrees to that, he was my best man.

We bought a house in Youngstown, OH and started settling into our lives. But in 208 Julie decided to go back to school for her PHD so we sold our house and moved to Pittsburgh. We are currently living in an apartment while Julie goes to school and I work. Its been a crazy adjustment but a blessing in disguise. I had started doing drag in Youngstown a few months before we moved and it was a wonderful stepping stone for me. I wasn't just dressing in guy clothes...I was being a guy! I met one King who was in the process of transitioning, my initial thought was "wait a minute we can do that". When we moved to Pittsburgh I started researching how to transition from female to male. Lucky for me there is a wonderful GLBT center here that helps you with the process. I started counseling shortly after that. And after months of counseling I was given the ok to start the transition which meant I was going to get my first shot.

I never thought that day would come and I was so nervous, on August 26, 2009 I received my first shot of Testosterone (T). As i felt it moving thru my muscle I knew in my heart that it felt right. I now receive a shot of T every 2 weeks.

A quick note of changes that I have experienced so far:

1.voice has dropped

2.hair has developed/darkened on legs, arms, happy trail, face and just starting to get a few noticeable chest hairs.

3. redistribution of body fat

4. muscle development

5. no menstrual cycle...yipee

I am very blessed in that most of mine and Julie's family and friends has been accepting of my transition.

And one last quick note for now. I mentioned that I have scheduled my top surgery with Dr. Garramone in Florida. Why him? After tons and tons of research I feel that he is one of the best surgeons available at this time. I would have liked to have it done closer to home but since this is a very important step for me I would not settle for just any Dr.

Thanks for reading and feel free to ask any questions.

Liam

Just one of those things

I have been blessed with the job I have been basically handed, in the fact that everyone there is very open minded and cool. However, today I had a very embarrassing moment for myself, the customer and the other coworker involved. Though my boss and most of my other employees usually roll with it when a customer refers to me as "he", the newbies are often taken off guard and usually correct the customer embarrassing both me and the customer. We have such a newbie there now (it has been a while since I have had a new employee that is actually allowed to wait on people....we usually hide them in the back) and today I was waiting on a group of middle aged soccer moms. They love getting flirted with and the more you flatter them, the more money you can get them to spend...until the guy they thought was flirting with them turns out to be a girl and then all of a sudden it is as uncomfortable as an Oxygen Network mini-series. I have had this occur quite often in the past and after an explanation the co-worker how it is best to just leave it alone and never correct an employee, I usually don't have to worry about it again with them.

Not so lucky with the new guy.

He is a great guy, a kind and warm-hearted guy, but he isn't the brightest guy in the world and he keeps 'correcting' customers. Here lies the issue; I don't feel that this is a correction anymore. I feel in my heart and soul that I am a male and therefore everyone should see that too; but the fact is that physically I am not a female and De still tends to introduce me a female, so that is what my co-workers are to understand initially. When dealing with someone of below-normal intelligence it is hard to explain and it can be difficult to understand.  The frustration I have is growing and I know that I shouldn't be getting so angry with him, but that doesn't stop the cycle.

I really didn't mean to go on that rant but it just struck me today that I get so frustrated now because I want to be referred to as 'he' and a correction by anyone but myself is a slap in the face. I have been accepted by most of my male co-workers into their own little "man-world" a very Jane Goodall-esque experience. I then became comfortable in this world but then expected it from all my other male friends. This caused a bit of tension and annoyance, alas I pulled back a bit because I knew it was going to be hard for the guys that I knew as "Alaina" to put that aside. I know more acceptance will come in time and I just need to be patient. This is not going to be any easier any time soon.

Quick Intro

Hello, my name is Liam. I just want to do a quick intro and then when I have time I will tell my story in some more detail. I am 10 months on testosterone and I just scheduled my top surgery with Dr Garramone in Florida for July 20th. I am so excited. Alright that was a real quick intro. More details soon!