Long time gone

Alright, I've been absent for a while, what with moving and all. Regardless, we have moved to DC, have a house we are moving into on the first, finally, and getting used to this world. Its strange to be right on the border of liberal (dc) and conservative (va), but nothing bad has happened thus far.

Really, I want to talk about my job right now. How lucky I am to have such a supportive network of coworkers. Jo and John never batted an eye when I explained the whole gender issue. When we had this conversation, I stated that I didn't want there to be any repercussions if they were put into an awkward position due to questions of gender. Until I start hormone therapy, I still kinda sound like a girl at times and have no facial hair ,so of course there might be some questions. But they have said over and over, you are who you are and we are fine with that. I am finally starting to believe them. When I got my promotion last week and Jo (yes, I work for the little women) cc'd me on the letter to corporate, she referred to me as "he", and while not a big deal, it really cemented the accepted they initially expressed. It is a great feeling.

I have found the center that I will be starting my "physical" transition with, the Whitman-Walker Clinic in DC. I have talked to several people who have said nothing but good things about it, and the research I have done supports those opinions.

I have also found that I have increased self confidence as a result of the support from friends, loved ones and coworkers. I've never been an outgoing person, but I am finally coming out of my shell...and it feels great. Thank you.

They're gone... I think...

Had surgery with Dr. Garramone. He said things went well. I won't know for a week. Finally feel like I am coming out of the anesthesia daze. Pain is minimal, vicodin soo, then off to sleep. More updates will follow.

I have to get something off my chest...

...that's right I will be headed to the Pittsburgh airport for my flight to Ft Lauderdale in 5 hrs. I am going to have FTM top surgery with Dr Charles Garramone in Sunrise, FL. I have such a mixed bag of emotions right now I can't even begin to explain. All I know is that I am the luckiest guy to have such strong support from my family and friends. Especially my wonderful wife. I will be more then happy to share my experience and post op pictures in a few weeks.

Later,

Liam

The Clothes That Bind

Liam wrote most of this I (Lain) will be putting in my two cents in.....Lime!  Okay not really I'll just italicize.

OK so what is this awful thing we refer to as binding. Binding is a torture device developed for ftm's to help pass as male by helping to hide the "female" chest. It can be done in a variety of ways depending on your chest size and financial situation.

Like I said earlier, and I think I can speak for the both of us when I say "Boobs Suck". Aside from the sexual gratification (that can still be had after chest surgery) I really find them to be a burden. It is the ultimate hint to gender and therefore they are aggitating. Binding is a way to get around that in the interim. I bind everyday and have only once been in public with a bra in the past 6 months, I hated it and covered them as best I could. 

If you are smaller chested (lucky guys) then you can opt for the simple sports bra or tight tee shirt layers to help hide your "female" chest.

Larger guys will have the option of a couple techniques. You can use an ace bandage wrapped tightly around the chest. This is very uncomfortable and unsafe because it hinders your breathing. I tried it once...did not work at all for me.
I tried it as well and there is nothing quite like sitting there, having a fastener spring off and having a boob fall out. The bandage also tends to slide down or bunch up...neither are fun.

I know duct taping the breast back towards your armpits is a technique used in the drag king world. Hurts but works for sure...however, I don't recommend for a long period of time and you will be hurting when removing the duct tape. There is a "wonderful" compression shirt that you can buy from http://www.underworks.com/ftm The reason we call it "wonderful" is because it does its job of flattening the chest so it appears male but it is not comfortable at all. While it has improved over the past couple years.

I remember the first time I attempted to put my compression tank on. I got stuck in it and ended up rolling around on the floor while Julie and I laughed hysterically. Pulling it on over my head by myself was not an option. After we stopped laughing Julie finally helped me yank it on. I was so excited to have a male appearing chest.

As some point and time we realized its much easier to pull it up over your hips then down over your head. Until recently, know that I have more upper strength I can pretty easily pull it over my head.

I did not believe him when he said to step into it a pull it up. I put it on over my head and was stuck with my arms straight up in the air (a la Barbie) and no one was home to help but the cats (thanks guys). I eventually got it off and started the stepping in procedure.   

OK so now that the binding is on and doing its job some other not so pleasant features arrive. Like the fact that this material is non breathable; so if it's 75 and sunny outside its like 95 to someone wearing binding. The material is also very irritating to your skin, especially if you are sweating like I am, so its more comfortable to wear a shirt under this heat trap. So now you are wearing 2 additional layers of clothing...so much fun!

I have never worn a shirt under the binding. The biggest design flaw in the earlier models of binding did not account for hips and were a bit too short causing them to roll up and cut off circulation. Now they have redesigned it so it doesn't roll up and it is much more "comfortable". No Regrets
.

Bottom line it is torture but absolutely necessary and I love this invention because it helps me appear the way I want to appear. Lucky for me I only have to wear my binding for 44 more days!! Sorry, Lain. Yeah, Yeah, sure.

I was telling my really good guy friend, Ryan, about this torture trap and he was very interested. He asked if he could try it some time. I knew it would be a hilarious experiment so I agreed. A few months ago he was at my apartment so I reminded him that he wanted to try this fun little activity. So he did...poor guy got stuck trying to put it on over his head and needed help. He said it was so tight and uncomfortable and he didn't even have a chest he was trying to smash in there. He said he didn't know how I could possibly wear such a thing.

I just recently found that they offer a compression swim suit which I am contemplating. There is nothing worse than wanting to swim, then realizing that you have nothing wear that won't cause everyone at the pool to stare and laugh. It's beyond the "Oh, I don't look good in a bathing suit", I can't even explain it. 

The self-esteem boost I feel we get from this is amazing. From a physical stand-point we both feel that we look much better without breasts, we are so awkward-looking with them, I realized this after glancing at some past pics. And from a more social standpoint, I know I feel more outgoing with my binding because I feel like I am who I should be and I feel much more confident. 

Breasts are the first thing people look for when they initially question gender. It's annoying, I've seen many a man with bigger boobs than I. Regardless, the physical pain is much better than the emotional pain of going though life with two breasts that feel like a constant reminder of a body that just doesn't fit right. 

Longer Introduction

Hi my name is Liam. Let me first say that I am not a good writer, like Lain, and I will most likely jump around a lot and have tons of grammar errors...hey I'm an accountant I know numbers.

I was born and raised in Youngstown, OH as Jenn. As a kid I was a major tomboy. As far back as I can remember I always wanted to do the things that the boys were doing. I had some really close female friends when I was young but I think that is because we didn't ever really do "girly" things. However, as I got older I wanted to hang with the guys. And I remember being extremely ticked off when the time finally came that I could no longer get away with running around the neighborhood shirtless. And the stress continued as I developed into a "women". Oh the torture of bras, skirts, girls locker rooms, the "monthly visitor", etc.

I hated school because I never knew who I was and never fit in anywhere. I wanted to dress like a guy, which eventually my mom gave up and let me do, I wanted to be a guy. But I wasn't and my guy friends didn't always want me around when they were being guys.

I had a couple of "boyfriends" during my school years, but none of those relationships passed a minor kiss or two. It was just to weird for me.

I started realizing my attraction to women sometime in late middle early high school years but just choose to ignore it and play the role I was suppose to play. I then went thru the steps of being a lesbian to being a butch lesbian.

My junior year I started dating my current wife. We grew up in the same church and have known each other our whole lives. We dated off and on for many years. And in June 2005 we had a commitment ceremony. It was as traditional as can be with her in a white dress and me in a tux. Wearing a tux was as awesome as I dreamed it would be!! I know Lain agrees to that, he was my best man.

We bought a house in Youngstown, OH and started settling into our lives. But in 208 Julie decided to go back to school for her PHD so we sold our house and moved to Pittsburgh. We are currently living in an apartment while Julie goes to school and I work. Its been a crazy adjustment but a blessing in disguise. I had started doing drag in Youngstown a few months before we moved and it was a wonderful stepping stone for me. I wasn't just dressing in guy clothes...I was being a guy! I met one King who was in the process of transitioning, my initial thought was "wait a minute we can do that". When we moved to Pittsburgh I started researching how to transition from female to male. Lucky for me there is a wonderful GLBT center here that helps you with the process. I started counseling shortly after that. And after months of counseling I was given the ok to start the transition which meant I was going to get my first shot.

I never thought that day would come and I was so nervous, on August 26, 2009 I received my first shot of Testosterone (T). As i felt it moving thru my muscle I knew in my heart that it felt right. I now receive a shot of T every 2 weeks.

A quick note of changes that I have experienced so far:

1.voice has dropped

2.hair has developed/darkened on legs, arms, happy trail, face and just starting to get a few noticeable chest hairs.

3. redistribution of body fat

4. muscle development

5. no menstrual cycle...yipee

I am very blessed in that most of mine and Julie's family and friends has been accepting of my transition.

And one last quick note for now. I mentioned that I have scheduled my top surgery with Dr. Garramone in Florida. Why him? After tons and tons of research I feel that he is one of the best surgeons available at this time. I would have liked to have it done closer to home but since this is a very important step for me I would not settle for just any Dr.

Thanks for reading and feel free to ask any questions.

Liam

Just one of those things

I have been blessed with the job I have been basically handed, in the fact that everyone there is very open minded and cool. However, today I had a very embarrassing moment for myself, the customer and the other coworker involved. Though my boss and most of my other employees usually roll with it when a customer refers to me as "he", the newbies are often taken off guard and usually correct the customer embarrassing both me and the customer. We have such a newbie there now (it has been a while since I have had a new employee that is actually allowed to wait on people....we usually hide them in the back) and today I was waiting on a group of middle aged soccer moms. They love getting flirted with and the more you flatter them, the more money you can get them to spend...until the guy they thought was flirting with them turns out to be a girl and then all of a sudden it is as uncomfortable as an Oxygen Network mini-series. I have had this occur quite often in the past and after an explanation the co-worker how it is best to just leave it alone and never correct an employee, I usually don't have to worry about it again with them.

Not so lucky with the new guy.

He is a great guy, a kind and warm-hearted guy, but he isn't the brightest guy in the world and he keeps 'correcting' customers. Here lies the issue; I don't feel that this is a correction anymore. I feel in my heart and soul that I am a male and therefore everyone should see that too; but the fact is that physically I am not a female and De still tends to introduce me a female, so that is what my co-workers are to understand initially. When dealing with someone of below-normal intelligence it is hard to explain and it can be difficult to understand.  The frustration I have is growing and I know that I shouldn't be getting so angry with him, but that doesn't stop the cycle.

I really didn't mean to go on that rant but it just struck me today that I get so frustrated now because I want to be referred to as 'he' and a correction by anyone but myself is a slap in the face. I have been accepted by most of my male co-workers into their own little "man-world" a very Jane Goodall-esque experience. I then became comfortable in this world but then expected it from all my other male friends. This caused a bit of tension and annoyance, alas I pulled back a bit because I knew it was going to be hard for the guys that I knew as "Alaina" to put that aside. I know more acceptance will come in time and I just need to be patient. This is not going to be any easier any time soon.

Quick Intro

Hello, my name is Liam. I just want to do a quick intro and then when I have time I will tell my story in some more detail. I am 10 months on testosterone and I just scheduled my top surgery with Dr Garramone in Florida for July 20th. I am so excited. Alright that was a real quick intro. More details soon!

Allow me to introduce myself....

For most of you, you know me as Alaina. I have been known a great lot of you for quite some time. I  feel as though I have not been truthful to you, I really haven't been truthful to myself. I want to re-introduce myself to you. I want you to know my story but whether or not YOU want to read it is all up to you. I have been struggling with gender issues my entire life and to some it may take you by surprise, some it may be obvious. I have dropped the A's from my name and go by mainly Lain now, but that isn't a big leap. In the next year or so I will be starting down a long road to what I hope will be freedom and happiness and the real me. At some point in the future I will start a transition into becoming a male.  I have asked my girlfriend and friends to refer to me as a "he" in private to kinda get used to it and sometimes this is forgotten which is understandable. I don't correct people I don't know when they refer to me with a male pronoun as I don't think there is anything to correct. In fact if someone calls me 'ma'am' or 'miss' I get frustrated. I cannot tell you what relief it brings me to recognize who my real self is. I know this is alot to understand and take in and I am more than willing to answer any questions you have to ask. This is going to be a long process and I would love to know that I have your support but I understand that this may take a while to digest. I have asked my best friend Liam to join me on this blog because we while we are not at the same point in our transition we are going to be going through the same thing in the long run however long that may be. He has already gone through the counseling and started horomone therapy. He will be able to answer the more specific questions and well as add his own blogs and commentary. We will both be posting pictures.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I feel like I have kept my distance from some of you because I was trying to hide.

 Below is my story.




K-6 I basically let my mother style my hair, buy my clothes. I imitate her. I am always the dad when I play house, and usually don't play unless that it the role I get to play. I am more interested in GI Joe than Barbie. I hate to wear dresses but my mother insists and I placate her because I don't like making her mad. I play video games on my computer and unlike most other girls I am not interested in boys in 5th and 6th grade. I don't really get along with most of the other girls in my class and befriend many boys.   My dad's nickname for me is butch....how fitting. I took several acting classes during the summer of 5th grade, I finally get to be a boy. I am cast as Macbeth in a summer play at Heidelberg.


 In 6th grade I move to another town about 20 minutes away. It's halfway through the school year. 6th grade is brutal as it is and I was intruding on a class full of students in the middle of their school year. Their friend slots are filled, I basically spend the rest of the year by my self. I heard how the girls would make fun of the other girls and I would just sit perfectly still, hoping they wouldn't see me. I knew they could see how uncomfortable I was and 12 year old girls are equipped with radar to detect anyone who may be even the slightest bit different and they go for the jugular. I heard a girl get teased about buying a jacket from K-mart. A silly insult, I know, but the way it was said had teeth.  In history class we had the choice to become a medieval character, I chose to be a knight and a magician. Being a princess or anything in a female role never crosses my mind.


7-8 In middle school I finally achieve friend status with a few people, mostly band members who seem to be the most forgiving, I think they kind of have to be. I play the trumpet and have a blast doing it. I am still not interested in boys and this doesn't pose a problem quite yet. I make up a faux casino in my trumpet case and call myself the "Godfather", I have a few friends that go along with it and it's fun for a while but when it finally fades away to a new fad, I am sad. Why am I sad? Maybe because I am being treated as a boy and very comfortable in this?  The first true friend I met in jr. high is one of the closest friends I have today, the highlight of my school year was being asked to go swimming after the last day of 7th grade, thanks Beth, I needed that.  I have my first real crush during the summer of 8th grade. She was the cousin of the kids next door and would always come to my house when her family visited. Her cousins were all boys and she hated them. She would often spend the night and I would really miss her when she left.


In high school I remain true to my mother and keep buying the clothes she wants me to buy, keep styling my hair the way she wants me to and did all the things a high school girl should do. I date a boy just to say that I dated a boy.....what the hell was I thinking with that one. Crushes come and go and I try to ignore them because, well, they are girls and it's just not acceptable. I go to prom, I strap on the obligatory dress and do have a good time, I was just wishing I could have been wearing a tux. The summer after Senior year one of my closest friends and I start dating we have a great time and then I move away to school. For the longest time, I blame him for breaking up with me when he really did no such thing, we just kinda dissolve. Then we try it again and the same thing happens. Then we get in touch again find out we had a lot in common, then again we just kinda fell out of contact. I think the things that we both had to deal with got in the way of our friendship, I hope that never happens again, Jake. If that's not the case please correct me.


In college I am lucky enough to room with one of my best friends. I don't really make any other friends and we basically hole up in our dorm room and watch cable TV all day. We write a movie script of which I usually wrote and played the male parts (It could still hold it's own against some of this crap that is written and produced today). Sophomore year I come out to my best friend and to a few others. I go to the LGBT meetings and don't feel comfortable so I stop going. I don't like the label "Lesbian" but for lack of a better term, I just roll with it. Beth left halfway through sophomore year and I feel the loneliest that I have ever felt. . I start to date a girl named Rachel and it was the first time I ever had any feelings towards a girl that were reflected back at be in the same way. She stayed a few weekends but for the most part it was a "friends with benefits" situation. About a week after I met Rachel I met Heather and we all know that I was with Heather until last year. We had a small civil ceremony in Vermont and then moved in together shortly thereafter. She referred to me as wife and I HATED THAT. She was generally supportive of everything that I mentioned and went through and never had any problems (identity wise), with the exception of some gender recognition issues.




In about 2003, I met Jenn. Jenn and I become best friends almost instantly. We started to hang out and become very close. We are both "butch" lesbians but never really embraced that term. We share similar ideas, styles and mannerisms. We go on vacation and have a blast in Boston and just genuinely become family to each other.    Heather and I move at the end of 2004. That really doesn't stop us from being close. As we chat...correction texted and emailed, because unless we are on fire we don't talk on the phone, we discover the art of Drag. This is a topic we will have a separate post about.


Heather and I arrive in Cincinnati and we both start school. In April, Jenn and Julie decide to have a wedding ceremony and Jenn asks me to be her "Best Man~sans penis". We are both super stoked to get fitted and wear our tuxes....so much so that we had another event the next year just to wear another tux. It was a great, albeit hot, day and I think I can speak for the both of us that it felt right and extremely comfortable to be in the male roles that we had that day.


Time goes by and we end up going on vacation to Mexico and have a blast even though I am sure that we both would have been more comfortable without breasts and in swim trunks only. Imagine seeing a person you think is male with a female bathing suit on. Now think about how we feel when those people are looking at us. I guess I have always been dinenchanted by my body but I guess I just put up with it in different ways, baggy jeans, baggy shirts to hide my breasts, sports bras to make them as unnoticeable as possible, men's pants, men's shirts. I am not meant for women's clothes. The body dysphoria grew more and more noticeable from there. It was on this vacation that Jenn starts to bind with a compression shirt from ftm.underworks.com and...I can't seem to keep my font from going back to normal so italics from here on out my friends...oh the tribulations. How to put it on, how to keep it from rolling up....I think that is another post all together. I get my binding shortly after we get back and have the same trouble getting it on but take Jenn's advice and it works. I don't ask Heather for help getting it on because I think I didn't want her to see that side of it. The item manipulating my body into a shape that I want it to be is not something that I am proud of. It is aggravating, hot and sometimes painful. I don't care. The self-esteem boost, well moreso the self-confidence boost, I get from it is well worth the annoyances. It is not long before I am wearing it everyday to work, I am lucky to be in an environment that doesn't care what gender I am and am treated well. (aside from the work aspect anyway). I buy a new one and it fits so much better. They redesigned it and now it doesn't roll up and it's great. I am already going to be going on my fourth one shortly.


I think that is enough for now. Please blink and do comment and ask questions.